Edinburgh Festival Survival Guide
I've just arrived in Edinburgh to enjoy the final countdown of the biggest and longest sesh of the year for Scotland. Shitloads of people, hundreds of shows and only a handful of wankers - all nuzzled comfortably into one solid month of debauchery.
I'm Edinburgh born and bred - I used to live this festival day in, day out for many years - but I moved down south and it seems I've gone soft because after one day, I have the hangover from hell and I'm struggling to muster a morsel of banter for anyone. So, I've put together this handy survival guide for any revellers who may have just landed - or for those who are planning on embarking on the mental rollercoaster next year.
1. Drink lots of water to counteract the inane amounts of booze. One cup of water per booze is about right. Basically any time you order a drink, order a water. Hydration is key. Live long and prosper.
2. Take the flyer. Take the fucking flyer. Those people have a hard enough time as it is standing in the pissing rain holding pieces of cardboard trying to sell a show in what can only be described as a saturated market. Smile and take the fucking flyer and remember that it's nice to be nice.
3. Be open-minded. If you have some spare time on your hands and you took a flyer and the flyer says the show starts in 10 minutes and it's free with the flyer, go to the show. You might experience the best entertainment of your life. It also might be the worst, but just give it a whirl and see.
4. Be sound. Don't get angry with people for taking too long to cross the road or for being a bit ditzy and getting in your way as they zombie their way through the streets mumbling something about a castle. Lest we forget that we were all tourists in a strange and exciting place once upon a time. It just so happens that there's shitloads of them and we have to get to work for fuck's sake. Just chill out and take your time. We've got the world's biggest arts festival on our doorstep. We're lucky. Act like it.
5. Have a blast.
6. Did I mention drinking water?