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An Ode to Hot Sauce

28.Apr.17

 

Nice to meet you lot. This is the first ever phangrrrl column so I want to make a good impression. I thought about a bunch of things I could tell you about - the weather today, what sort of music I like, my strong opinions on politics and the treatment of other humans. I could bang on about all of these things until the cows come home, but for my first post, I wanted to make a splash, so I'm going to regale you with a story about my love affair with hot sauce.

This romantic dalliance with the liquid tastebud damager happened at a young age. I had a proper obsession with pickles and vinegar and all that sort of stuff. I remember tasting vinegar for the first time and thinking I'd died and transcended to the seventh circle heaven. Most of my food choices were based around whether or not I could use it as a vehicle for vinegar. In fact, I remember having to call my mum from Harvey Nichols one day as I drooled over a £100 bottle of posh balsamic. I had to admit to her - much like an addict - that I was about to buy this bottle of vinegar and she actually had to say the words: Roberta, put the bottle down.

It was around this time that I discovered green tabasco sauce. Have you ever tried that shit on pizza? Let me tell you, it's one of the most incredible taste sensations I've ever experienced! Pizza with green tabasco sauce and mayo on the side (please don't tell my mum - I'm Italian). This led to all kinds of hot sauce obsessions - Cholula, Sriracha, to name a couple. It got to the point where I started trying hot sauce on completely unnecessary things - I poured it on cereal, on greek yoghurt, on a glass of red wine. I think it's safe to say I went insane.

My point is - it wasn't about the taste of these flavour combinations. It was about enhancing my experience of life. It was about, and I quote, spicing up my life. After my almost 32 years on this planet that never stops spinning - because apparently if it did we would all involuntarily fall over and be hurled horizontally across the room - the one piece of advice I could give is to be a yes man, or woman, or human. Say yes to pretty much everything. Twice if you have to, just in case the first time went wrong. Unless it's something terrible that could potentially harm someone, shout YES and see what happens. You could end up on the funnest rollercoaster of your life.

Call me a risk-taker but you know those people who buy vinyl and then never take it out of its packaging to keep it unscathed and perfect? Fuck that. Take the record out of its sleeve and open your ears. That's what it was made for. Play the record. Wear the shoes. Eat the chips. Try the grey stuff, it's delicious. Take the scenic route. And for the love of all things unholy, ask for hot sauce because if there's one thing I know, it's that hot sauce makes the world go round*.

Sprinkle that shit everywhere. The Spice Girls were right.

BIGLOVE,
phangrrrl x

*may or may not be a metaphorical statement


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